29 February 2012

Westward

Flying to Chicago tomorrow for a few days of AWP.  Things I'm looking forward to:
  • Restaurants with no fewer than five kinds of pie on their dessert menus
  • Chicago, as a general and impersonal but usually really positive experience
  • Doing a short reading for TSUP
  • Seeing some people
  • Taking pictures with Batman Duck
  • Getting out of Buffalo for a few days, which is distinct from getting to walk around in Chicago, because the leaving part would be just as sweet if I was going to Nowhere, Some Terrible State
  • Lyn Hejinian reading Saturday night
  • The Field Museum's mummies/Egypt exhibit
Almost none of this is conference-related.  AWP itself is a lot of work, a lot of anxiety, and in my case, a lot of choking back gall.  Every year, explaining to person after person that my PhD is a literature one, not a creative one, and the wide-eyed awkwardness on all sides immediately afterward, because suddenly I've identified myself as an academic or, heaven save us, an intellectual.  Wincing and grimacing internally at how banal the panels are.  Fuming internally at the great jobs some of these dopey people have.  Yes, yes, I'm a bitter girl.  I think you would be, too.

I am cautiously looking forward to it, though.  That's not a bad list for a trip, and I always discover one or two new or new-to-me poets whose work I end up loving by going to a few readings.  Chicago's been a good city for me on past visits -- it's big and serious without being hectic or too aggressive.  Full of interesting things, large and small, and reassuringly impersonal.  The overwhelming book fair will continue to be overwhelming, but I doubt I'll feel bound to exhaust myself at it as I usually do, because this year I have other things to do, like eat pie and ogle mummies.  The reading I'm in has some cool people in it, and our slots are short, but it's in the evening, so we may be able to make it fairly fun, if not exactly the deepest literary experience in the history of the crafted word.  I'm jazzed for the Hejinian reading -- I'm reviewing her new book for Rain Taxi and, no surprise, I love it, and I like seeing her read.  She came to Buffalo a few years back, gave a good reading, and was really cool in person, friendly and super interesting.  AWP is, of course, another scene, but I still like seeing her read.

So far, I'm planning to avoid the discussion panels.  Hundreds of events and almost none of them look interesting -- as usual, it's inane topic after inane topic, studded with gushy encomia-fests for some grey-haired writer or other, and then readings.  One of the organization's newsletters a few months back said that they were trying to host as many panels as possible so people could get money from their institutions for travel.  I half-laud the sentiment, but for fuck's sake, that's not how you build a good conference.  The beast really is as bloated as it feels.

I could be headed anywhere and I'd be happy about it, though.  It's been just at a year since I left this city, and that was for a job interview that didn't go anywhere.  I need to leave wherever I'm living, even if it's a place I like, every 3 or 4 months to be happy, which makes me hideously overdue.  Plus, these last few months -- ai ya, as a former student of mine used to mimic her Korean mother when confronted with any maddening situation.  In her case, the maddening situation tended to involve dealing with her daughter, my student.  My times of late haven't been anything like as cool as that student.  I need in a fierce manner to get out of this geography to help me get out of my headspace.

Meanwhile: after a year and a half, Modernism/modernity finally rejected an article I sent them.  I even agree with the comments, although they're so negative (put politely; negative in content, not in tone) that I wonder now if the piece is worth working on further.  I like my still-quite-new Crane chapter a lot, though, and if nothing else, this might offer a license to work more on that.  Probably be too soon to send it back to the same magazine, unfortunately, but there are plenty of other places that might be interested in an article on Hart Crane.  Continued rough news about the job market, continuing to send off applications for postdocs and the couple TT positions that come through, and continued extreme levels of bleak thoughts as a result.  Watching a lot of terrible TV and crocheting a very large shawl.  (Interweave's Dahlia shawl, if you're curious; going to make it about double sized.  Using Cherry Tree Hill Supersock Merino in Spanish Moss.)  Wrote some new poems, but they're making me worry that my day job is turning me into a shitty poet.  It could be that I'm severely stressed and psychologically depleted, and that comes through in my words; it could also be that language works immersively, and I spend all day immersed in, at best, intentionally predictable language, pared to pure functionality.  Most of what I deal with is just flat-out bad.  Anyway, I wrote some new poems and I don't think they're very good, but I'd rather write crappy poems than none.  Still killing my orchids.  Backaches, skin troubles, something like asthma, although you don't develop that in your thirties, as a rule.

In other words, it's good I'm going to have other things to occupy my mind for a weekend.

25 February 2012

Timing


Writing must become more optical, more eye-teasing, more eye-tasty, to give the word its due and tune-in on the age. Books are antiquated word containersLet’s let writing out of books, give it a chance and see what it does with its liberty.
 Bob Brown, 1930

17 February 2012

OpticsFast: scams, fraud, and now -- threats! Hat trick!

The company did refund my money, after many, many emails back and forth. However --

They still list as "in stock" the discontinued frames they can’t get.

"Becky S." asked me to remove a negative review I wrote on ResellerRatings.com in order to get my money refunded. Ridiculous, because I should get my money refunded because they couldn't provide the product I ordered, but I figured I'd give it a shot. The website had some issue, though, and just reloaded the reviews page without giving me options to edit or remove mine. (Note that this is one of many, many negative reviews of these people out there, one of many on that site, even.) That was all the effort they were getting from me, and I told them that.

This morning, "Becky S." asked me again if I’d gotten rid of my review. I responded that I hadn't and that I wasn't going to try again. She sent back this gem:

"Ok we will go the dispute route I guess.
I will be providing your credit card all the material details to support my claim.
The payment has been captured the lenses will be shipped.

Becky S.
Customer Service

Wow. My guess would be that this is an empty threat, because that has to be so many kinds of illegal. And because if she sends my bank all the "material details," it'll just support her being a lunatic and a thief. Nothing's posted to my bank as of this moment.

In another email, "Becky S." referred to TrustPilot.com, another review site, as a site that she "owns." I didn't follow up on that to find out more. The site itself appears to be run by people in the Netherlands, but who knows.

Grotesque behavior. I hope these people get put out of business sooner rather than later.

15 February 2012

Mutually Assured Poetry

Ronald Regan, 1984:

My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.

Could have been a Jack Spicer line.  Or one of William Carlos Williams' in his feistier years, or Michael Davidson's any time in the past 30 years or so.  It's the slippage from reality to object of pure discourse in outlawing Russia.  Far be it from me to say that Ronald Regan was a poet, or anything like it, but poetry may burst out when words fail, especially with humor to give it a pass into being spoken.

12 February 2012

Update on OpticsFast, Scammers Extraordinaire

A few people have already gotten here by searching for "opticsfast review," "opticsfast code," and "opticsfast scam."  Good!  I did file a report with the BBB, and I think I may try to go at it via having my bank dispute the charge as well.  They told me the transaction would finalize by Tuesday morning, so I'll be calling basically when I wake up to follow up on that.  I still need new glasses, and I need my $320 to get them.


A bit more info:

Here's someone who suffered terrible treatment by these same people: Scammed by OpticsFast -- he sent in a pair of sunglasses for repair and you can see from the photos that not only did they fail to repair them with the right lens, but they damaged the frame.  From the photos, you can see that far more light gets through the bad replacement lens than the remaining original one, that the lens doesn't fit his frame, and that they bent the hell out of the frame to boot.

And here's a brand new blog started, I believe, by the same person, and featuring tons of consistently awful stories about OpticsFast.com and the spectacularly horrible "Becky S.": OpticsFast is a Scam!

Many, many people got exactly the same story I did about a frame being cracked and therefore unavailable, sometimes at least three times in a row, as they selected successively less desirable frames and found out that they, too, had supposed small cracks.  Once, "Becky S." admits to someone that she could get the frame the customer ordered, but not cheap enough to make money selling it at the price her website advertises.  Wow.

This Ryan guy sounds serious -- he's apparently reported them to the FBI's Cyber Crimes division, which should, in fact, probably be involved.  USPS, too, since they're doing things like sending people used frames and claiming they're new, and they do at least some shipping via regular mail.

Incidentally, OpticsFast.com is supplying to Sears -- I think that might even be how I initially found them, because I found the frames I wanted at Sears.com, but Sears doesn't let you order frames and prescription lenses together online.  From the reviews there, it sounds like I wouldn't have done any better if I'd tried that route anyway, though.

And Go-Optics.com looks like a very similar outfit.  They have a lot of atrocious reviews, too, but they listed these frames as being in stock.  I emailed them first for a price match, which they gave me within a couple hours, then emailed again to ask them to verify that they had a pair on hand.  Over a day later, they wrote back that no, they didn't have one in their "facility."  I immediately imagined an outhouse as the sort of "facilities" out of which these folks operate.

It's a small boon to have the distraction from my slow climb up through recovery from my degree, but. . . getting new glasses and being able to see ok would be a better one.

11 February 2012

Review: Beware Opticsfast.com, which boasts the worst online customer service I've ever encountered

Ordinarily, I wouldn't bother posting about some random online business in my blog, no matter how terrible they were, but I just finished a PhD, so I have a lot of time on my hands, and I've run into this total wreck of a website that's hanging on to $320 of my money. It turns out they have a D- rating with the state Better Business Bureau.  So I'm going the whole route, with a boring SEO-ed title and everything:

For a bit over a year, I've been worrying that I'm going blind in my right eye. I've been nearsighted all my life, but, like, actually going blind. The prescription definitely needed to be raised -- I can't read road signs with that eye anymore at all -- but I swear, I kept seeing this blurry patch when I tried to read things up close, too. I finally got a vision exam a couple weeks ago, and it turned out that my retina was not, as I feared, decaying or detaching right inside my eye, but that the prescription had just gotten so much worse in that one that they couldn't focus together. I'll get vision insurance starting March 1, but it's one of these plans where you can only select certain frames, which doesn't do a picky person like me a lot of good. I found some frames I loved online, found them at a good price, and ordered.

The next day, I got this email from "Becky S.":
Dear [me]

I am very very sorry for the delay in your order. Let me explain what happened.

The item was in stock with a Store Quantity of 1. Prior to each shipment my team checks each and every frame to make sure they 100% perfect with no issues or problems.

The item you purchased had contained a small crack on the frame and I was not comfortable in sending you this item as it was.

What I did was send the item back to the Company for a replacement and to order a new one.

We only sell 100% brand new authentic designer items that are pretty pricey and we must adhere to a high level of perfection.

I got a phone call later in the day to inform us that this item is DISCONTINUED.

I did also send out NETWORK ALERT message to 35 optical stores in my network to see if anyone has this item.

Please be patient and I will get back to you within 48 hours to inform you if anyone has this item.

What response and let us know what you want to do about this situation?

Maybe you want to select an entirely different frame??

I have noted your account and have issued you a 15% OFF your next order for this problem.

The 15% is fully transferable to any of your family friends, coworkers or anyone you know.

You may use this discount on our website.

Your discount code is : OPTICS-DISC1849

Once again I am very sorry for this dissapointment

I know what it feels like to wait for something you really want.

Call us if you have any Questions

Bummer. I replied,
Hi there, and thanks for letting me know. I definitely want this frame -- I looked for it in that particular color at several sites online and ordered at opticsfast because you had the best price. If you can't find it anywhere, I'd like a refund so I can order it elsewhere. Let me know what you find out from your stores! Hopefully one will have the frame and I can get it from you. :)

The offer of finding my frames elsewhere evaporated quickly. She wrote back,
I already have your lenses so let me refund you on the frame and then just use the shipping address on your order from somewhere else to ship to me ok?

Nope. Not ok. I said so --
The lenses aren't much good to me unless I have frames for them. Anywhere else I'm looking at ordering will want to sell me lenses and frames as a package, so I won't be able to use those.

She then said,
The lenses are UNCUT so they can be used for any other frame of your choice
Any company will sell you glases without lenses.

Seriously? (And I don't just mean the typos, misspellings, and missing punctuation.)
I'd then have to find someone to cut them to fit. I want to get lenses and frames, together, so I'm not running around or mailing things all over the place. The whole point of ordering online is that it's easier, after all. If you can't get the frames within your stated period of 48 hours, and don't process my refund, I will have my bank charge the full amount back to you.

Explaining that was more effort than they deserved, but that's the teacher in me.
Why cant you order them online and put my shipping address if you are so sure that they exist?
I am telling you they are gone forever not made anymore nobody has them.

Can we just agree on the other color or style? I don’t want to loose money on the lenses they are your custom RX

Ah yes, because I now trust this company so much I'm going to have frames sent to them from someone else, and expect that they'll put in the lenses and send me my glasses in a reasonable time frame and without further hitches. Also because it's totally a customer's role to handle a bunch of B2B logistics to make a personal purchase online. And because how much money they make or "loose" is a big concern of mine. Right.

Her again, before I had replied to that fully bullshit proposition:
Please help me

What.
Help *you*???? I'm the customer here. That you got faulty stock from the company isn't my problem. Your desire to make money and not lose it isn't my problem. Getting the glasses I want with minimal hassle is my only concern. If you can't do that, sorry, but I don't want to do business with you.

She claims in response,
I am asking you to choose an alternate style I will give you a more expensive frame
or just have the item you find shipped to my facility. I did this and I caused this mess
I will end up loosing my job over this.

If I'd believed that at this point (I didn't), I would have relinquished that notion as soon as I Googled these people. It turns out that they have one- to two-star ratings on every review site that mentions them, but for one that takes down negative reviews immediately at business' requests. How I found that out, we'll see shortly. In any case, "Becky S." is mentioned by name in all sorts of stories -- shipping people the wrong items and then charging a restocking fee (which isn't publicized clearly on their website), offering discounts like the one she offered me and then not letting customers apply them to frames they want, being sarcastic when customers tried to work out problems just like this, and so on. I doubt she's in any danger of losing (or loosing) her job, in any case, since this appears to be her and the company's standard MO. I bet she had a lot of grandparents die suddenly while she was in school, too.

Again, being clearer and more communicative than these people deserve, I wrote back,
I'm contacting my bank to get the money charged back since you've refused to honor my request for a refund. I have no desire to deal with you or your company further, on these frames or any. This is not a professional way to handle problems with an order, and I don't trust you or opticsfast to refund me the money on your own.

By this point, anyone would have said, ok, fine, full refund, here's when it will be processed. Anyone with a tiny bit of sense, let alone desire to succeed as a business, anyway. I thought "Becky S." must at least have fit those categories, because she first replied, simply,
Ok

but 23 minutes later, she wrote me again, saying,
What we have decided to do is to refund you the frame and send the lenses separate

the line items on the invoice allow that these are 2 separate charges hence we can ship the lenses UNCUT of course

To cut lenses into a frame is very easy every lab does it and you can of course bring your own lenses when doing a job

Really? You're really trying this? This is a behavior reported in reviews of this business online -- sending people items they don't want, and then, because they've provided goods, the person can't get their money back via credit card company or bank. Workable scam, although I can think of a lot pleasanter ways to spend a Friday afternoon that would give you at least as much money, like selling plasma. (If you've sold plasma, you know just how unpleasant an experience that is.)

I respond,
I already told you that's not acceptable. I am 100% convinced you're doing nothing but trying to scam me out of money for lenses I don't want, and I would be surprised if you ever had those frames in the first place. If you send me anything, you'll get the package back unopened. My bank's going to dispute the charge the minute it posts fully to my account and I'm so irritated with you that I'll probably use all my bored minutes at work to post this story to review sites all over the internet.

"Becky S." goes for another round --
I am not trying to scam you at all here are your lenses [she attached a photo of a lens and packaging material sitting on a desk]

I am very sorry that you think we are against you, they are not popular lenses that I bought for no reason.

I am trying to resolve this issue but you are not allowing me to resolve it

No, what I'm not allowing you to do is to try to force goods on me that I don't want and can't use. HTH.

This morning, while waiting for some laundry to go through, I did, in fact, go post reviews of Opticsfast.com to a few sites. One of them, TrustPilot.com, notifies businesses when they get a new review; "Becky S." leapt at the chance to get the one I wrote taken down, and if you go look them up there, you'll see that the only reviews that haven't been disputed by the company are positive (I'm not linking because I don't think Opticsfast deserves even the infinitesimal search engine boost). Other review sites have piles of negative, in many cases outraged reviews for these people.

She emailed me to tell me she'd had the review taken down --
I went ahead and cleared out the review you left I hope you don’t mind this is not fair of what you wrote as its clearly not what happened.

It was, of course, entirely accurate. I immediately forwarded the entire email chain to TrustPilot.com so they can see that; they may reinstate it, I don't know. There are a few others out there, anyway, with the same content, verbatim. I hope "Becky S." doesn't mind! Since refusing to refund someone's money when you can't give them what they ordered off your website is, you know, not fair.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to find these frames elsewhere, and, now that I'm gunshy, emailing places to ask if they can verify that they have a pair on hand in good condition and in the color I want. I initially found them at Coolframes.com, from whom I've ordered before, happily, but they're over $100 more expensive there. I'm toward the end of a paycheck, too, so I'll have to wait until Wednesday (payday) to order from someone else, anyway, because now I only have $200 in my bank account. The $320 I spent came from my parents -- I don't yet have money of my own to do things like be able to see well.

"Becky S." also sent me another new review, one of the very few she hasn't had TrustPilot.com pull, which is heavily ESL, possibly machine-translated, but positive. Because I care that someone else didn't get screwed over by these people, I guess? Oh, wait, they still have my money, so all that means is that they're capable of not screwing people over, occasionally, but are still opting to do so to me. I care about that to the degree that it makes me even more dissatisfied with them. She accompanied her forward by beating her thoroughly dead horse:
People post good reviews see? this one I got right after yours.
I am not sure why you are so mad at me trying to make things right.

Where will I sell your

Single Vision RS=-4.00 RC=-1.00 RA=20 LS=-3.25 LC=-1.25 LA=172 PD=61 LM=Sun-Sensitive Lens (Grey)

This is an expensive lense. You are going to buy it anywhere at the next location so why not already have it in your possession

and ask me for a discount on it?

It's a $100 pair of lenses, which she's now offering to me at a supposed but unspecified discount. (Incidentally: what is this, a street market in Mexico? Are we haggling? No. We are not. Grotesque behavior.) As prescription lenses go, that's crap! It's the cheapest transition-style one offered, not super high-index plastic, no UV projection, no anti-scratch or anti-glare coatings, nothing. Me and my barely-grown-up-type income aren't into high-end anything. Come the fuck on.
Primarily because it's my money and I choose to give it to businesses that have their acts together, and not to people who are either rampantly incompetent or rampantly dishonest, or both. Secondarily because I have no confidence that you'd even be selling me the right lenses, or that the prescription would be done correctly, because you appear to be either rampantly incompetent or rampantly dishonest, or both. And thirdly because I don't want to get lenses from you and send them to someone else to put into frames, or to get lenses from you, frames from someone else, and then have to find some local optician to put them together. This is the *best* you can offer me for my money. No thanks.

I already explained all this to you, but since apparently you aren't adequately capable of or interested in responding to customers' problems, I'm repeating myself for your benefit. You're very welcome.

And the internet is full of negative reviews of Opticsfast.com, many mentioning you personally. If I'd taken thirty seconds to google you, I would never have ordered from you in the first place. You have a one- or two-star rating on every review site that won't bend over and remove anything you ask them to take off.

You can refund my full purchase price, or you can get it charged back to you by my bank. Unless and until you do refund all my money, this will be the last time I bother to communicate with you.

This, too, was more effort than she or the company (using the term loosely) deserve, but this isn't me being a teacher; it's me being volubly irritated. "Becky S." still thinks she's in a position to bargain, though --
Will you remove your review and I refund you in full to undo whate each have done?

Highly unlikely.

As evidenced by this post.

I'm done dealing with these people; my bank can fight it from here. Or I may try the Better Business Bureau, since we're both in NY state. If you come across this post looking for reviews of Opticsfast.com, consider this a massive warning. There's a good chance they'll take your money, not provide what you ordered, lie to you, offer you fake discount codes, be dismissive of your position, refuse to refund your money when you ask (I still have nothing from them showing that they're actually refunding anything, even just the frames price), be peevish the entire time -- and still try to get you to do business with them. Stay very, very, very far away and keep your friends from ordering from these losers. The economy is chock full of people who are willing to do a good job for you -- be smart, find out whom you can trust, and buy from any one of them instead.

29 January 2012

To have one's own world only, at best, at arm's length.

Some slow, slow, weak stirrings like I might want to do something post-degree after all, but I can't even say what.  Started a web/arts project; ran into a minor hitch figuring out AWS and put that on hold. . . about a month ago, now.  Did very minor organizing for poetry book #3; nothing on that in weeks.  Have thought about ideas for poems for poetry book #2, & promised myself I'd write ten new ones this year, but nothing more than that so far.  Last night, went to the symphony & thought about learning to play the flute.  I bought one two or three years ago when I was crushed for progress on my dissertation and finally decided that if I wasn't going to get anything done on that in the near future, I might as well do something.  So that's another thing I could pick up, maybe email the music dept & see what grad student would like to give me lessons.  Without any pull in any particular direction, though, not much is actually happening yet.

My father retired at the beginning of the year.  Not happy about the idea of him at home all day every day, so I sent him subscriptions to a couple woodworking magazines.  One started to show up and he must have liked one of the projects, because he emailed me to say he was clearing out some things in his shop so he could make it for me for my birthday, and then three or so days later, he wrote again to say it was finished, and these things were a lot easier when you don't have to go to work every day.  Indeed they are -- but that's part of the problem, for him, that it may likely be easy for him to run out of things to do/ways to fill his time. 

For me, I do still have the day job, but it's more a frustration even than a distraction.  Predictably, with my mood kicked into a hole, my sleep issues have gotten more insistent, and for weeks, pretty much since I got over the exhaustion from finishing the manuscript, I've been fighting the thing where I feel groggy and several kinds of bad all day, then I'm thoroughly useless in the evening, whether I nap or not, and then around 10 or 11, I finally start to feel ok.  Again, whether I nap or not.  Then, since I'm suddenly calmer and feeling much more positive, I want to stay up and do things, but I can't because I have to put myself to bed so I can get up the next day.  I end up essentially not sleeping in anything resembling a healthy manner but for recuperating Fridays and Saturdays -- and doing things like coming home Friday, sleeping 3-4 hours, getting up to feed my cats, then going back to sleep til noon the next day, doesn't actually constitute a healthy habit.  I can tell that what my psyche and neurochemistry need is the winter break I would have gotten shortly after my defense, when I could have slept really hard, stretched out into my native nocturnal schedule, and so recharged myself for the next go.  I think I even like exhausting myself for work, as long as I get that revivifying phase afterward, but the ongoing, steady drip of energy out, it's not good for me.  My limbic system doesn't have the right processes to get anything back while that's going on.


Jobwise, still nothing.  Nothing nothing nothing.  I'm continuing to apply to postdocs & will continue to apply to any tenure track positions I find, but in March or so I may start picking cities where I'd like to live and papering them with my CV.  For years I've been saying I wasn't interested in moving halfway across the country (or more) for $35k and 75+ terrible freshman essays at a time, but I miss teaching.  A lot of that isn't even teaching per se, but things like having control over my schedule.  Even with a 4/4, you have day hours to run errands or go to lectures and readings, the former of which, especially, are invariably around 2-4 pm.  Very accessible hours for academics; virtually nonexistent for office professionals, and I'm missing the intellectual life terribly.  Maybe I ought to be able to manufacture that for myself, at least by reading and thinking, but so far, I haven't been.  This was my fear, that without the looming pressure (or promise) of finishing my degree, I wouldn't be able to do that kind of work.  I got out From the Other Side of the Century last week, thought I'd read a bunch of the late-20th-c. poets whose work I only sort of know, at least think about what's excerpted there & see whether any of them spark larger interests.  I got through two in about 3 or 4 hours at the campus Starbucks.  I want to keep going through it, but I'm so much more motivated by the prospect of teaching work like that, or writing on it or writing it toward tenure, than I am by the vague belief that it will be good for me, somehow.  And bear in mind, this is stuff I love.  I went through Oppen and the whole time felt like, oh, gosh, yes, Oppen!  Still had a hard time concentrating, feeling like I should be doing something more immediately practical but having no clue what that could be.


I had a notion that I'd blog my thoughts as I went through it, and, like, get some content here other than helpless lamentation, but I really may not.  I had some thoughts.  If I keep reading, I'll have more.  Problems like this post's, though, of what am I even supposed to be doing with myself, feel much more urgent than my questions about whether Olson's gender politics are really as messed up as people have suggested, or what it felt like to remember how underimpressed I am with his classicism, and to realize I'd forgotten that in the first place.

24 January 2012

Bad roads

The main things I've learned during grad school and the years of my life that have transpired while I've been in it are that what I want is almost totally irrelevant to how anything happens for me, and that I am the least important person in my own life.  Everything I want is always in other people's hands, and I'm never able to persuade them to give it to me, not out of talent, not out of dedication, not even through pity, and believe me, I'd take pity if it would get people to give me a chance on some things.

I have a hard time even conceiving of what I deserve, but at least the emotionally untouchable taskmaster side of me can step back and say, "something better than this."  It takes other people to point it out, though.  The PhD just about cured me of being able to think that way on my own.

Yes, this is about more than the abysmal job market.

My orchids are in terrible shape because I haven't watered them in months, plural, and at the rate I'm going I'll never finish poetry book #2, let alone do anything more ambitious.  A tenure-track job would help that, but so would a few other things, none of which are in place.  Right now, the only motivation I have for working is personal satisfaction, and I can get personal satisfaction out of having some ice cream and a nap.

It's beginning to make me believe in luck again just so I can believe in unerringly, relentlessly bad luck.  I wrote to the people at Marie Laveau's and asked them to make me a custom mojo bag.  At this point, why not.

11 January 2012

Ebb

Doesn't share it.

I knew I had been trying to get someone to take care of me, but weeks later I realized

Sqwerl eating meat:

Laid a white scarf over my mouth while congratulating me, really nice one, off-white more, & I said, I'm working, this is all I do.

I'm going to go talk to her, (                                   )

Blonde baby girl, as I said, whoever she is, she's either a year old yesterday or 25 months

Quite a big hole left here to fill up with

(bastard/secretary
                              hand)

(aconite)

& ragged, compare the track

Purposeless, really senseless, purposeless.  Why someone thought he had to

!= leaning forward != plenitude/to fill

(Doesn't share it.)

27 December 2011

Ode for Ereshkigal

It's just the dead.  The dead, the dead, the dead.

On New Year's Eve at midnight, for one minute all the animals can speak and it's only by the bitter grace of knowing it won't do any good that they don't tell you how badly you've hurt them, or for how long, or what a different world would have meant to them.  Instead, they whisper "I love you" to each other and slump together back to sleep.

The dead want you to hold them even in pieces.  Whether it's you in pieces or them.  As long as it isn't both, we can make this happen.  Even.

They walk to the end of the driveway every day to check the mail even though they can't pick up your envelopes for you.

The animals die together and this is what most of us mean by "flock."

Knit a cotton shroud for the spring.  This is what most of us mean by "fog."

War makes the dead irritable over all the incursions.  They want you to mail them back their damaged skin, priority.  They want me to speak and say, "I love you," but they want me to say it to the fog and I don't think anyone will hear.

Clouds shredded in pieces and it doesn't matter which height.  Look down.  Look down.

On New Year's Eve at midnight drums will beat like hearts, but like empty hearts, all skin, no blood, all stage, and try to drown out the drowning.

Don't shoot.  Sing the dead back to sleep like a flock of orbiting meteors.