Foiled

Approaching the holiday with nowhere to go and more dark thoughts than I care to leave myself alone with, I'd made plans to spend it working on my dissertation.  Starbucks, the company website said, would be open everywhere, normal hours, to 10 or 11.  Lies, it turned out -- I worked at Spot, near me, til they closed at 5, then came home to grab food that wasn't entirely sugar and starch, popped back out to the Starbucks I thought would be my place for the night: closed.  Drove downtown & found that one dark as well.  I had some momentum earlier and I'm going to try to get it back, but I still have a lot of trouble working at home, so it may not happen.

In years I've felt better, I've put up a Christmas tree.  I love Christmas trees.  Driven around looking at people's lights.  I've even left out cookies, as an adult; I love arbitrary, happy festival things, knowing they're arbitrary and liking them just fine that way.  Before grad school, I even used to bake, usually something different for each family member, something for a Christmas party or two, sometimes something for a friend.  I've always wanted to go out caroling.  Used to decorate my parents' house up sometimes.

And: I've spent 7 out of my last 8 Christmases alone, going for 8 out of 9 this year.  I had been trying to decide whether working at Starbucks would count as being alone or not, but now that that's moot, I can say, yes, I will be alone yet again.  Nation is full of people who hate holidays, yet get to have them, and I can't make a life such that I get to do any fun gift shopping or decorating or holiday cooking, which I'd actually enjoy.  Proof that the universe is neither just nor sensible right here.

I don't even know what I'd ask for, if I made a Christmas list, because the things I want seem so distant as to be unreal.  I'd like things to change for the better; afraid to try to specify any more than that because of the almost perfect certainty that I'd be setting myself up for disappointment.

I suppose I can ask to revise another 2, possibly 3 chapters, but that's up to me to do and not Santa -- and sitting here, I already feel far more like lying down than like working.  Other than that?  Can't even say.  Little purpose in doing so & less ability.  Just get it over with so I can go find an impersonal setting with wireless and caffeine on Monday.